I had no idea that my kidneys were shutting down. When I first learned about it, I did not know how to feel. For a moment, I was on the verge of being scared, apprehensive of an unknown future. Dialysis? What is that? But I controlled my feelings and decided to let my mind take over. Otherwise, if I let my feelings take over, we don't know where that's gonna go.
Though my brother and dad had chronic kidney disease (CKD) and underwent dialysis, I only had a vague idea about it. I know it's a procedure for people whose kidneys are no longer working. A machine filters the blood because that's what their kidneys can no longer do. But the actual experience of being hooked up to a machine was beyond me.
In hindsight, I felt all the symptoms, and it seems like it was building up for months. I was just not aware that this was kidney failure. I thought the symptoms were pointing to a heart attack. I'm a heart attack survivor, and I was dealing with the symptoms with that in mind, those that were familiar.
Palpitations. That's one of those telling signs that something's wrong. I've been very sensitive to this because it's difficult to ignore. The heart beats irregularly, sometimes fast and so strong that I could feel myself shaking. The heart flutters, pounds, then becomes faint, and then goes fast again and then becomes faint again. It's more pronounced when I'm resting, and makes me feel tired, uncomfortable, and causes me to perspire. It's tiring because the heart is overworking when the body is not. At times, I wanted to get out of my own body, if you understand what I'm saying. I don't know how else to describe it. That happens on really bad days.
Next is shortness of breath. I was having difficulty breathing. I liked to walk my dog around the block but increasingly I noticed that after a few meters, it got so hard to breathe that I felt my chest was about to explode. There were times when I had to exhale with a low sound so I could inhale more deeply. I thought I had asthma because it was just so difficult to breathe. I thought the masks that we had to wear because of COVID19 caused difficulty in breathing. This became worse through the weeks, up to the point when it was so difficult to breathe even when I was just sitting or lying down.
During this time, I had to attend court hearings on the fourth floor of a courthouse, and the elevators were not working. I had to take the stairs. I needed to rest for ten minutes between floors. I simply could not climb up straight, though I wondered why I could not do that since I used to climb three flights every day in my old office, and my heart was strong. Moreover, I worked out three times a week even during the lockdown, but why was I getting weaker?
Another symptom is that I felt tired and worn out. I just wanted to rest and sleep. I had no explanation for this. I worked from home most of the time because of the lockdown, without the need to do anything outside the house, so why did I feel tired?
During this time, I had to attend court hearings on the fourth floor of a courthouse, and the elevators were not working. I had to take the stairs. I needed to rest for ten minutes between floors. I simply could not climb up straight, though I wondered why I could not do that since I used to climb three flights every day in my old office, and my heart was strong. Moreover, I worked out three times a week even during the lockdown, but why was I getting weaker?
Another symptom is that I felt tired and worn out. I just wanted to rest and sleep. I had no explanation for this. I worked from home most of the time because of the lockdown, without the need to do anything outside the house, so why did I feel tired?
My ankles and feet were swollen. I had to massage my feet to make the swelling go away. I thought it was because I sat for long stretches at work.
Then there were the unfamiliar symptoms.
My eyes became blurry. I sed to read easily without eyeglasses, being nearsighted. Now, even with reading glasses, the letters were blurred.
Itchy skin. The skin became very itchy all over. The itch was persistent, and as it got worse, it felt like the itch was coming from under the skin.
Dry and cracked skin, especially around the ankles. The skin cracked, became reddish and itchy-painful. The skin on the soles of my feet was so dry it started peeling off.
Bruises. There were small bruises that formed easily, even at the slightest bump on any object. Most of the bruises were on the legs, some on the arms. I did not even feel any pain, so this was quite unusual.
Leg cramps. These were few and far between in the beginning. However, these became more frequent at night, sometimes three or four times a night. They were more painful each time, and scary so I didn't want to sleep. I could not sleep well because of this, I had to sleep sitting up because I had fewer cramps that way.
Purple lips. I noticed that my lips were becoming bluish purple. I thought it was just my imagination, but it became more noticeable as the days went by.
No appetite. Food tasted like paper and I was losing my appetite.
Then there were the unfamiliar symptoms.
My eyes became blurry. I sed to read easily without eyeglasses, being nearsighted. Now, even with reading glasses, the letters were blurred.
Itchy skin. The skin became very itchy all over. The itch was persistent, and as it got worse, it felt like the itch was coming from under the skin.
Dry and cracked skin, especially around the ankles. The skin cracked, became reddish and itchy-painful. The skin on the soles of my feet was so dry it started peeling off.
Bruises. There were small bruises that formed easily, even at the slightest bump on any object. Most of the bruises were on the legs, some on the arms. I did not even feel any pain, so this was quite unusual.
Leg cramps. These were few and far between in the beginning. However, these became more frequent at night, sometimes three or four times a night. They were more painful each time, and scary so I didn't want to sleep. I could not sleep well because of this, I had to sleep sitting up because I had fewer cramps that way.
Purple lips. I noticed that my lips were becoming bluish purple. I thought it was just my imagination, but it became more noticeable as the days went by.
No appetite. Food tasted like paper and I was losing my appetite.
Dizziness. Not the spinning kind, but the fading kind.
I consulted doctors to deal with the symptoms, like an optometrist and ophthalmologist when my eyes were going blurry, and a dermatologist when my skin was cracking and itchy. But that night in February this year, when all these symptoms came together, I monitored my blood pressure and pulse rate. When my condition got worse, I asked my sons to bring me to the emergency room of the hospital. After a COVID test (which turned out negative), an ECG, a chest x-ray, and a blood test, the doctor told me that my creatinine was more than 800, while the normal count was 70 to 100. And the only way to lower it was through dialysis.
So I had to be confined. Even before I saw my room, I was brought to the dialysis section where a tube was inserted on my neck, connected to my jugular vein. I had my first dialysis for two hours, then was brought to my room.
It was just so sudden. From then on, I've been having dialysis three times a week, four hours each time.
There were moments when sadness tried to overtake me, but I pulled back, refusing to go in that direction.
I fought this feeling by thinking of the next best thing to do, remembering that God never failed me before and that He never ever will.
Fear tried to creep in because kidney failure was unknown to me. Dialysis? Transplant? What are these?
I consulted doctors to deal with the symptoms, like an optometrist and ophthalmologist when my eyes were going blurry, and a dermatologist when my skin was cracking and itchy. But that night in February this year, when all these symptoms came together, I monitored my blood pressure and pulse rate. When my condition got worse, I asked my sons to bring me to the emergency room of the hospital. After a COVID test (which turned out negative), an ECG, a chest x-ray, and a blood test, the doctor told me that my creatinine was more than 800, while the normal count was 70 to 100. And the only way to lower it was through dialysis.
So I had to be confined. Even before I saw my room, I was brought to the dialysis section where a tube was inserted on my neck, connected to my jugular vein. I had my first dialysis for two hours, then was brought to my room.
It was just so sudden. From then on, I've been having dialysis three times a week, four hours each time.
There were moments when sadness tried to overtake me, but I pulled back, refusing to go in that direction.
I fought this feeling by thinking of the next best thing to do, remembering that God never failed me before and that He never ever will.
Fear tried to creep in because kidney failure was unknown to me. Dialysis? Transplant? What are these?
I combated fear of the unknown by knowing. My phone's search bar became my weapon against fear. Who are you, kidney failure? What are you? Why should I not be afraid of you?
Then my friends and loved ones became my source of strength. I had to let some people know, somehow. I didn't want to walk through this alone. I wanted to know that people will be praying with me, for wisdom, for healing, for the right decisions, and right doctors. I wanted to tell people whom I love and who love me who would not be asking a lot of questions because I didn't feel like explaining what was going on. It was enough for them to say I will pray for you. And a bonus when they told me about their friends and family who had successful kidney transplants or are undergoing dialysis for decades. Those were a bonus, and I wanted to know more about them.
Then my friends and loved ones became my source of strength. I had to let some people know, somehow. I didn't want to walk through this alone. I wanted to know that people will be praying with me, for wisdom, for healing, for the right decisions, and right doctors. I wanted to tell people whom I love and who love me who would not be asking a lot of questions because I didn't feel like explaining what was going on. It was enough for them to say I will pray for you. And a bonus when they told me about their friends and family who had successful kidney transplants or are undergoing dialysis for decades. Those were a bonus, and I wanted to know more about them.
These are my glimpses of hope. I refuse to feel down. I refuse to feel defeated because there are still things that can be done. I continue to pray for open doors.
Show me the way you want me to go, Lord God. Lead me to the open doors. If you don't want me to go in a certain direction, please close the door. It will be easier to find the way because I only have to look for open doors - treatments and management strategies that work for me, from people whom You place in my path. If it's Your will for me to have a kidney transplant, I trust that You will provide the donor, Lord. In all these, may Your Name be glorified. And in these, show me how I can continue to serve You. I pray for all those who are in the same situation as I am, weighing treatment options and waiting for kidney donors. Keep us hopeful, Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Show me the way you want me to go, Lord God. Lead me to the open doors. If you don't want me to go in a certain direction, please close the door. It will be easier to find the way because I only have to look for open doors - treatments and management strategies that work for me, from people whom You place in my path. If it's Your will for me to have a kidney transplant, I trust that You will provide the donor, Lord. In all these, may Your Name be glorified. And in these, show me how I can continue to serve You. I pray for all those who are in the same situation as I am, weighing treatment options and waiting for kidney donors. Keep us hopeful, Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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